HealthBridge's In-Home Care Blog

You read the title, rolled your eyes, and said to yourself, “simple and caregiving do not go in the same sentence!”

Good point. 

But, while caregiving may never, ever be simple, there are a few simple things you can do to make your caregiving experience happier. 

And, some of them might be a little unexpected. 

1.  Make mistakes

So many caregivers are terrified of failing their parents.  They’re worried that the stakes are too high and that they’re unprepared for the challenge. 

Well, here’s some news for you:  You will make mistakes.  And it will be OK. 

In fact, you have permission to make mistakes.  So make them.  Mistakes mean you’re trying new ideas.  Since your heart is in the right place, making mistakes is a sign that you’re trying your best.

2.  Learn as you go

Unless you've spent your career as a professional caregiver, this gig is new to you.  How do you deal with the role reversal?  How do you know, I mean really know, that you're doing this right? 

You don't.  You've got to learn as you go.  The good news is we've all learned as we've gone.  There are wonderful resources and communities dedicated to caregivers just like you.  Read the resources.  Talk to people who have walked this road before you.  One thing you’re sure to find about caregivers is that we all love to share our stories. 

3.  Talk to your parents

I hear from a lot of caregivers who feel like they're all alone in their journey.  They tell me how their friends and coworkers haven't had to care for their parents (yet), so they don't understand.  It's an isolating feeling - you're facing this challenge and nobody gets it but you.

But, you're not alone in this.  Your parents are there with you.  Talk to them.  Tell them your fears.  They're worried too. 

If you work together, you'll be happier - and so will they.

4.  Talk to your friends

I was on the phone with a Dallas woman a couple of days ago who said she had no one to talk to about her parents.  None of her friends would understand, because none of them had similar issues.  Hmmm. 

The thing was none of her friends had any idea what she was dealing with.  By the numbers, most of your friends are dealing with this. 

Remember, caregivers love to help each other.  You have the opportunity to help your friends and they can help you.  But, someone has to be the first one to bring it up.

5.  Make new friends

Caregivers love to support each other.  In other caregivers, you’ll find kindred spirits and knowledgeable advisors.  One of my friends describes his support group as his “Board of Directors” for his senior care experience. 

Support groups can be especially helpful when you’re caring for a loved one with a specific condition.  There are wonderful DFW area support groups for Alzheimer’s Disease, ALS, Parkinson’s Disease, brain tumors and many more.

6.  Celebrate milestones

When you’re caring for your parents, it’s easy to feel a bit like Sisyphus, pushing your boulder up the mountain every day, just to have it roll down again every night. 

Helping your parents preserve their independence is a job with a receding goal.  Like an aging marathoner who used to run six minute miles, but now is happy just to finish, your best possible outcomes will shrink over time. 

But, like Dr. Kenneth Cooper, the father of aerobics who is now in his late 70s, told me, “I used to be a jogger and now I’m a walker.  And that’s OK.  I’m still as fit as I can be.”

It’s important to set realistic goals and reset them as time goes by.  When you begin, it may be a goal to help your dad keep his driver’s license.  In a few years, that goal may have changed to helping him keep is independence by arranging his own transportation. 

And that’s OK.  It’s a milestone to be celebrated. 

If you’ve been caring for your parents for a few months, you’re doing a good job.  In fact, you’re doing a remarkable job.

7.  Ask for help

It’s OK to ask for help.  Every caregiver needs help.  You’re not supposed to be able to do every last thing on your own. 

The good news is there is help out there.  In my experience working with hundreds of Dallas area family caregivers, when people say they want to help, they really mean it.  Your neighbors really do want to bring dinner.  Your daughter, home from college, really does want to drive grandpa to that doctor’s appointment. 

Eventually, your parents' care may be more than one person can reasonably handle.  Remember, just because you’re the captain of the care team, doesn’t mean you have to be the only player too.  If you need professional, reliable help, here’s some advice on how to choose senior care givers.

8.  Rest

I know you already know this one.  I also know you’re not taking time to rest. 

Now, I’m not going to suggest that a busy family caregiver, who’s dealing with parents, kids, work and life is going to be able to get nine hours of ZZZs every night.  So, how do you rest? 

For me, it’s a great book.  (If you’re looking for one, I just finished this biography of George Washington, which was outstanding.)  For you, it may be a Saturday morning at the park.  Or a movie.  Or dinner with friends. 

If you take time for yourself, you’ll return to help your folks rested and happier.  And everyone will benefit.

So, those are a few simple tips for happier caregiving.  What has worked for you?

Image credit: House of Sims

Caregiving may feed the soul, but the families we serve are starving for knowledge about it. 

It's a job without a job description.  It's a task that we're duty bound to do, but ill prepared to do well.  

So, I'm always on the hunt for useful guides about caregiving.

I like the new guide from the National Institute on Aging about caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's Disease.  

It dives into the deep and complex issues of caregiving, without being overwhelming.  It's not a pamphlet.  It's a venerable guide that will improve the care you provide your loved one.   

Read the whole guide online here.  

For more Dallas Alzheimer's Care resources, visit the website of the Greater Dallas Chapter of the Alzheimer's Association.  You'll find literature, events, seminars and classes you can use to support your caregiving mission.  

Sorry Johnny Depp. You're just not that cool. It's not that you're too old or past your prime.

It's that, well, you're too young.

Betty White is America's coolest person and she's 88 years old.

She's edgy, salty, quick witted and current. She's a crate-of-kittens-cute juxtaposition of age and trendiness. Somehow, she's always unexpected even though we know what's coming.

When she hosted Saturday Night Live a few weeks ago, she gave the show it's best ratings in months. And she was hilarious.

Is it any surprise we love Betty White so much?

She inspires the young to think differently about their grandparents. She makes their grandparents laugh out loud with her classic timing and wit.

As a senior caregiver, I know you can appreciate how refreshing it is to see America rally around the wit, humor and wisdom of an octogenarian. It's about time we had an example of a senior who held her own and zinged back at the younger pups.

For example, last month Sandra Bullock presented White the Screen Actors Guild Life Achievement Award.

Bullock and White were co-stars in the film "The Proposal," so Bullock took the opportunity to give White a friendly mini-roasting before she turned over the microphone.

When White took over she said, "With all of the wonderful things that have happened to Sandra, isn't it heartening to see how far a girl as plain as she is can go?" The audience roared.

How can you be as cool as Betty White?

Follow these three steps and you're sure to keep your grandkids and your friends impressed.

Stay Current
It's easy to dismiss Facebook and MySpace (or as my uncle calls it, "MyFace"), as kid stuff. The thing is, this is how an entire generation communicates. More people log on to social networks like Facebook everyday than email. So, stay current and you'll be more relevant to your grandkids. If you need more convincing, read why everyone over 80 should be on Facebook.

Keep Working
We really can't say this is a resurgent Betty White. She's been acting since the 1930's without much of a break. I'm not suggesting you should never retire, but staying active has helped White. When it's time for you to exit your career, think of another way to stay engaged. There are hundreds of charities and educational organizations that would be thrilled to have a seasoned executive volunteer for their cause.

Speak Your Mind
When you ask Betty White a question, you know you're going to get her honest response.  She's assertive and thoughtful.  She reflects the inherent wisdom that is a prerequisite for good humor.  With the experience of 88 years, White knows she has the authority to speak her mind.  And, she does.

These three steps will put you on track to be as cool as Betty White.  But remember, being flat our hilarious doesn't hurt either. 

The president of one of Betty White's fan clubs spoke to her recently to discuss her popularity and buzz.  "When you're hot, you're hot," said the fan.  White replied, "When you're old, you're old."  

Well, she's right.  But, we know you can be both.  

You'd never treat your mom's care like a grocery list, would you? 

Sure, there's series of tasks that need to be done, but her care is so much more than that, right?

The list of to-dos in mom's care plan is, well, a list of stuff.  But it's the quirky things that make mom who she is.

Yes, I said quirky.  Eccentric.  Smart.  Unique.  

Our parents are much more than the sum of their parts.  And, that's especially true of their care. 

So, why do people still make senior care plans like they're grocery lists? 

Because the list is easy to make and the story is hard to tell.  

The list is pale, simple, and sterile.  It's been scrubbed in so much antibacterial hand sanitizer that you could replace mom's name with Aunt Rita's.  The list is just stuff without complication, distraction, or emotion.  

The story is complicated.  It's emotional, it's tiring, and it's painful to tell.  It's the story of how your mother has reacted to aging.  And, it's the most important part of her care plan.  

So, how do you get the really important story across the sea of to-dos?  

Context, not control 

"If you want to build a ship, don't drum up the people to gather wood, divide the work, and give them orders.  Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea."

It's as if Antoine de Saint-Exupery was writing about caregiving in The Little Prince.  

Caregiving isn't a command and control business.  The list of orders just doesn't get to the heart of the matter. 

In order to convey the most important and meaningful parts of mom's care, you've got to tell the story of mom.  Tell as much of it as you're comfortable sharing.  Remarkable senior caregivers will thrive on the nuances and details of her story.  

Caregiving is a mission.  Remarkable senior caregivers know this.  They understand that instructions and to-do lists are functional means to reaching a more contextual end.  

It's context that motivates caregivers.  

You'll inevitably make a to-do list too.  It's a functional way to answer the what and how of your mom's care.  

Tell the story to teach your caregivers the most important question - why.  

What's your senior care story? 

Thanks go to Reed Hastings, CEO of Netflix, whose presentation on corporate culture and responsibility inspired our thinking on contextual leadership.  

Most people don't get enough sleep.

But, family caregivers aren't most people, right?  

Our schedules make one-armed paper hangers look lazy. 

We work.  We take care of our kids and our parents.  We even make time for volunteering and PTA meetings. 

And, between midnight and 6:00 AM, we organize the hall closet, plan a vacation, write to relatives, save for kids' college, wash the dog, pick up dry cleaning and finish that master's degree.  

When there's too much to do, we just do it.  We just don't sleep.  

A lot of the time I should be sleeping, I'm reading instead.  Since I run a business and take care of seniors, I love when I find a book that overlaps the two.  

In their book Rework, Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson describe how they've corrected some old fashioned business problems at their company, 37signals. One of those is that the workaholic is a hero at most companies.  Bad idea.  Fried and Hansson say cutting out sleep to work on your list can lead to:

Stubbornness: When you're really tired, it always seems easier to plow down whatever bad path you happen to be on instead of reconsidering the route. The finish line is a constant mirage and you wind up walking in the desert way too long.

Lack of creativity: Creativity is one of the first things to go when you lose sleep. What distinguishes people who are ten times more effective than the norm is not that they work ten times as hard; it's that they use their creativity to come up with solutions that require one-tenth of the effort. Without sleep, you stop coming up with those one-tenth solutions.

Diminished morale: When your brain isn't firing on all cylinders, it loves to feed on less demanding tasks. Like reading yet another article about stuff that doesn't matter. When you're tired, you lose motivation to attack the big problems.

Irritability: Your ability to remain patient and tolerant is severely reduced when you're tired. If you encounter someone who's acting like a fool, there's a good chance that person is suffering from sleep deprivation.

Sound familiar?  We've all done it and suffered for it.  Senior care is an emotionally exhausting assignment.  So, get some sleep.  You'll wake up a better senior caregiver.  

How do you handle the work/life/caregiving balance?  

Does this sound familiar?

You've identified your parents' senior care needs.  You've found a superstar caregiver that understands the situation.  You've even worked out a care schedule that makes sense for you and your folks.  In short, you have your family's senior care needs so organized it'd make the Container Store proud. 

You're the quarterback of your care team and you're smart enough to call the right plays.  So, your caregiver drives your parents to a new doctor's appointment and you meet them there.  The doc asks for your dad's Medical Power of Attorney to keep in his file, just in case. 

And you can't find it. 

In fact, you don't think it exists.  You check the file you've brought with you and the cabinet at home.  Nope, not there either. 

Is it possible that you could have done the hard caregiving tasks - identifying needs, finding the right caregiver, making a schedule - without getting the easy stuff done?

Yes, it could. 

Where are Senior Care Documents on your to-do list? 

If you're like most senior care givers, it's wedged right between organize the hall closet and alphabetize the refrigerator magnets.

We all put off this housekeeping task because it seems overwhelming.  Too many documents and not enough time. 

It used to be that a handshake agreement would do, but not anymore.  There is a document for every situation.  The key is understanding the purpose of each document, selecting the ones you need, and filing them properly. 

So, let's start with the top five documents you and your folks should have in place. 

1. Medical Power of Attorney.  This names the person you want to have the power to make any and all health care decisions on your behalf.  Don't worry, you're not turning over authority to this person right away.  In the event that a doctor certifies that you can't make these decisions for yourself, your Medical Power of Attorney will take over.
2. Durable Power of Attorney.  This one names the person you want to manage your financial affairs and make financial decisions on your behalf.  Unlike the Medical Power of Attorney, the Durable Power of Attorney is effective immediately.  You can, however, specify that you don't want this to become effective until you become unable to manage your finances yourself.
3. Advance Directives.  This document spells out your wishes about medical care in the event that you develop a terminal or irreversible condition and can no longer make medical decisions.  Your folks probably have told you where they stand on this.  Complete this document and periodically review it with them, so in a crisis, there's not a misunderstanding.  
4. Declaration of Guardian.  In the event that your loved one loses mental capacity, this document declares whom they wish to manage their affairs.  It addresses the guardianship of medical and financial affairs.  
5. Out of Hospital Do Not Resuscitate.  If your loved one is at the end of life and wishes to die at home, they must have an Out of Hospital DNR in place.  This document states that you do not want to be resuscitated if you stop breathing or your heart stops beating, and declares that certain resuscitative measures will not be used on you.

Now that you understand which documents are which, you can choose the ones to put in place.  Make sure to complete the Senior Care Document Checklist too, so you have a record of what you've completed and where you stored it. 

To help you keep all these documents in order, we've created the Essential Senior Care Documents Guide.  It includes detailed information about each document plus a boilerplate document you can download and fill out.  Click here to download the entire guide.  

As a caregiver, you know it takes more than one person to get everything done.  Your husband, kids and neighbors say they'd love to help with senior care, but it's impossible to keep them current.  Corralling all the people who would "love to help" makes herding cats look easy.

How do you get everyone on the same page?

Sticky notes?  Email?  You could create a whole new system for notifying your family and friends and hope that they develop a habit of checking it out.  Or, you could just go where your family and friends already are:  Facebook.

First, what is Facebook?

For those of you from the cryogenics lab who were just unfrozen, Facebook is a social networking website that helps you find old friends, share photos and events and update your network about your life.  And, it's popular.  In fact, it has so many members that, if Facebook were a Country, it would be the third largest in the world. 

You should be on Facebook and so should anyone over the age of eighty.

How can it help senior caregivers?

Sure, Facebook helps you connect with friends you forgot you had.  And, it lets you share pictures of the grandkids, dogs and kittens.  But, there's another side to Facebook that can improve your life and the care of your loved one.

Since it's a safe bet that everyone involved in your loved one's care is already on Facebook, you can create a secure, private group to connect them.  The good folks at ReadWriteWeb explain how: 

Creating a family group is simple. After clicking this link, you'll notice the name of the group has already been filled in for you based on whatever your last name is (assuming you're currently logged into Facebook, that is...and aren't we always?). You can edit the name if you like or leave it as is.

You then have the option of inviting more members to join the group. In Step 2, there are boxes provided to enter in the names of your family members already on Facebook. If you need more boxes, just click the green plus sign below. Finally, and likely the reason why Facebook created these groups in the first place, there is an option to invite other people in your family to join Facebook.

You can type in email addresses by hand or import them from your email address book. (Hotmail, Gmail, Yahoo, Outlook, Apple Mail, and many others are supported.)

The group, once created, looks like any other Facebook group with a Member List, Discussion Board, Wall, Events Section, etc. However, there's a big difference between this group and others you'll find on Facebook. It's a completely private group, not visible to anyone else.

In other words, you can post away in here without worries that your online friends will see your activity.

So, now you can create a group of family and friends who want to help with your loved one's senior care.  You can post events like doctor's appointments and other activities and invite members of the group to attend those events.  You can even post sensitive status updates privately, without your entire social network knowing.  

With private family groups in Facebook, you can organize the care team by setting up a group on the world's most popular network.  

If you and your care team need a little extra help, call HealthBridge.  We have a team of Certified Nursing Assistants that would love to help out.  

To stay current, subscribe today.   You'll also get the Dallas In-Home Care Guide free!

Subscribe to HealthBridge and get this free 15 page ebook.

The Dallas In Home Care Guide gives you a solid overview of the different types of senior care and who pays for what.  

Click here to subscribe and get the ebook today.

Well, the weather outside is frightful.

As I look out my window, I see snowflakes the size of wooden nickels floating down in sheets. 

Contrary to popular opinion, the penguins at Northpark aren't the only cold things in Dallas.  Today, it's really cold.  And really snowy.

Well, really snowy by our standards. 

The thing about snow in Dallas is that we really don't know what to do about it.  Should we go to work?  Stay home?  Salt the roads?  Sand them?  Will schools close?  

As a senior caregiver, you know that getting your loved one out in this weather off the list.  The great thing about snow around here is that it'll be gone by tomorrow.  

So, since we have a snow day, I thought I'd make a few recommendations of how to pass the time.  First, fire up the fireplace.  Second, make a cup of hot chocolate.  Third, curl up with a great senior care book.  

Here are my suggestions for a Great Senior Care Read:

• They're Your Parents Too!  How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents' Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy by Francine Russo.  If you share the senior care responsibilities with your siblings, you must read this book. 
  
  
• Caregiving - The Spiritual Journey of Love, Loss, and Renewal by Beth Witrogen McLeod.  McLeod provides an unflinching look at the difficulties and rewards of caring for a loved one. 
  
  
• The 36 Hour Day:  A Family Guide to Caring for People with Alzheimer's Disease, Dementia and Memory Loss Later in Life by Nancy Mace and Peter Rabins.   I keep this book on my desk.  It's a tremendous reference for memory caregivers.  It's practical, necessary, and highly relevant. 
  
  
• The Other Side of Sadness:  What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us about Life after Loss by George Bonnano.  This Columbia clinical psychology professor shows us the natural human resilience related to loss and how it draws out compassion and focus.  Seniors experience such a flood of loss, that this book is a must read. 
  
  
• When the Time Comes:  Families with Aging Parents Share their Struggles and Solutions by Paula Span.  Span is a wonderful writer and an authority on the subject.  She blogs on the New York Times New Old Age blog, which I recommend following as well.  You'll find inspiration in the stories of her book and you'll be surprised how closely you identify with many of them.

What senior care books have inspired you?  What are you reading right now?  

To stay current, subscribe today.   You'll also get the Dallas In-Home Care Guide free!

Subscribe to HealthBridge and get this free 15 page ebook.

The Dallas In Home Care Guide gives you a solid overview of the different types of senior care and who pays for what.  

Click here to subscribe and get the ebook today.

Were there sailboats in the East River?

Imagine walking across the Brooklyn Bridge the day it opened in 1883.

As you crossed the 5,989 feet of Gothic masonry and angular steel, you'd no doubt marvel at the achievement of the engineers and builders.  They had accomplished what many had said was impossible - to connect New York and Brooklyn by suspension bridge. 

All this at a time when traffic below this bridge was propelled by wind and traffic above it was propelled by horse.

But, this impressive team of engineers wasn't the same team that had started the project thirteen years earlier.  Tragedy and accident had left the Brooklyn Bridge without its visionary designer and its chief engineer.

Thankfully, the project was saved by a caregiver.

The bridge was commissioned to be built in 1870 by John Roebling and his son, Washington.  In the first three years of construction, John Roebling had died of a work site accident and Washington Roebling fell ill with decompression sickness which left him bed bound and unable to talk.

From the moment of his illness, Washington Roebling's wife Emily was by his side.  She took care of him daily and ensured that his needs were met.  Emily, an accomplished student, but not a professional engineer, also began to look after the progress of the bridge.

She quickly realized that her husband's legacy was going to be usurped by his rivals, if he was unable to complete the bridge.  Not willing to allow that to happen, Emily devised a plan.

She positioned her husband's bed in front of a window from which he could watch the construction of the bridge.  As Washington watched the progress, Emily became his surrogate Chief Engineer, interpreting his ideas, relaying instructions and making decisions.  For the final eleven years of the project, Emily was the public face of the Brooklyn Bridge.  She conducted interviews, met with politicians, and oversaw the team of workers to ensure the job was done properly.

Chief engineer by day, caregiver by night.

During the construction of the bridge, John Roebling's condition didn't improve and and Emily remained his caregiver the entire time.

Emily Roebling's contribution to the Brooklyn Bridge has been recognized with a plaque on the bridge itself.

As a caregiver, you know that may not have been her greatest nor her most challenging accomplishment.

Here at HealthBridge, we've been blessed to hear many wonderful senior care stories.   If you're caring for a loved one, we'd love to hear your story. 

If one of our certified nursing assistants can help your care for your loved one, we'd love to hear that too.  Just click here or give us a call.  

Subscribe today and get the Dallas In-Home Care Guide free!

Subscribe to HealthBridge and get this free 15 page ebook.

The Dallas In Home Care Guide gives you a solid overview of the different types of senior care and who pays for what.  

Click here to subscribe and get the ebook today.

Raise your hand if you're a caregiver. 

Now, raise your hand if you wish your loved one's doctor recognized the role you play in the care process. 

Now, raise your hand if you lied on that last one and kept your hand down.  

The thing is, 37 million Americans just like you care for a loved one at home.  You change wound dressings, help with medications, prevent falls and generally keep your loved one out of the hospital.  But, family caregivers haven't traditionally been recognized as a part of the care team of doctors, nurses, and other clinicians.  

Dr. Pauline Chen took an insightful look at this topic in her "Doctor and Patient" column in the New York Times.  She writes:

For all our assertions about the importance of caring in what we do, doctors as a profession have been slow to recognize family members and loved ones who care for patients at home. These “family caregivers” do work that is complex, physically challenging and critical to a patient’s overall well-being, like dressing wounds, dispensing medication, and feeding, bathing and dressing those who can no longer do so themselves.

Many of these caregiving tasks were once the purview of doctors and nurses, a central component of the “caring professions.” But over the past century, as these duties increasingly fell to individuals with little or no training, doctors and even some nurses began to confer less importance, and status, to the work of caregiving.

As a caregiver, I'm sure those words speak to you as they did me.  Doctors, nurses, and family members are all a part of the senior care team.  To ensure the best outcomes for our loved ones, we have to draw upon all the senior care resources available to us.

But to family caregivers, it's more than that.  There's a deep sense of devotion and reward that comes from helping a loved one.   

Dr. Chen quoted another doctor, a Harvard physician named Arthur Kleiman.  He said, "There is a moral task of caregiving, and that involves just being there, being with that person and being committed.  When there is nothing that can be done, we have to be able to say, ’Look, I’m with you in this experience. Right through to the end of it.’ ”

As caregivers, we agree. 

Subscribe today and get the Dallas In-Home Care Guide free!

Subscribe to HealthBridge and get this free 15 page ebook.

The Dallas In Home Care Guide gives you a solid overview of the different types of senior care and who pays for what.  

Click here to subscribe and get the ebook today.