Long before our Founding Fathers declared independence from Great Britain, independence itself was a sacred American virtue. We cherish our autonomy. We boldly defend our freedom.
Our pursuit of independence is our personal Manifest Destiny.
Should we be surprised when our loved ones resist senior care because it infringes on their independence?
Paula Span addressed this question in her New Old Age Blog, which I've quoted here at length:
When we do talk or think about aging, not a favorite activity among the general public, we applaud the astonishing outliers, the silver-haired marathoner, the 90-year-old senator, the 78-year-old Betty White — the ones who don’t have to stop doing what they’ve always done.
Yet most older Americans — two-thirds of them, by one commonly used projection — will reach a point of dependency, a time when they will need to rely on others for such everyday needs as taking a shower or getting dressed.
In some cultures, where the multigenerational family remains normative, perhaps this phase feels more natural. Here, the ideal is Clint Eastwood. He’s not only doing great work at 80; he’s the self-sufficient loner, the outlaw, the Man With No Name.
Dependence generates anger, shame, defiance. It’s acceptable only for the very young; among adults, it’s not merely an uncomfortable personal reality, it’s un-American. We are all supposed to be able to take care of ourselves, apparently forever.
I might argue that this is nonsense, that we’re all dependent on a global web of other people every day of our lives, but that’s not much help to a family member who wishes her father would start using the senior bus instead of driving, or hopes her mother will allow an aide to help with laundry and cooking.
Tough and painful negotiations often ensue, and our own cultural and political history contributes to the tensions. We’ve all grown up with independence as a primary value. So we shouldn’t be so startled when our elders say, Don’t Tread on Me.
Span closes her article by quoting the Gadsden Flag, which pictures a coiled rattlesnake above the motto, "Don't Tread on Me."
Perhaps nothing better symbolizes American independence.
But, that's not the only American virtue we hold dear. Our Founding Fathers knew that, unless the American Colonies banded together, we would never succeed.
As Americans, we build great cities, companies and communities. We hold teamwork in high regard.
As caregivers, we can draw inspiration from this virtue. When we care for our loved ones, united we stand and divided we fall. We cannot care for ourselves forever. When the time comes, we must embrace the American value of teamwork.
The consequences of not joining together for care can be dire.
We may not agree with his melancholy tone, but we can't disagree with Benjamin Franklin's urgency when he implores us to "Join, or Die."
How do you help your loved ones while preserving their independence?
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